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Abusive Relationships: What To
Do When Love Turns Violent |
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The Pattern Of Abuse:
As a psychotherapist, I often treat victims of domestic violence
and abusive relationships, and have witnessed first-hand the
trauma that remains even
decades after someone leaves an abusive partner. Typically, the
cycle of domestic violence is this: There is an "incident,"
typically small, in which the abuser's
response is exaggerated and violent. Afterwards, the abuser may
apologize for abuse, promising that it will never happen again.
Typically, the abuser
blames the victim for causing the abuse, but then a "making up"
period begins in which the abuser is charming and bearing gifts
and the victim believes that
the violence will cease. Then the story repeats, and each time,
studies show, the make-up period becomes shorter and shorter.
Abusers tend to be highly controlling, often prohibiting their
partner from working or leaving the house, thereby preventing
any semblance of independence
for the victim. In addition, there is a breakdown of couples
communication, and the victim feels the need to keep the abuser
calm and are always "walking on
egg shells."
What You Can Do If You're A Victim:
If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, call
911 or your local police. They can help you and your children
leave your home safely and
arrest your abuser if they have enough proof that you have been
abused.
Get support from friends and family:
Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has
happened.
Find a safe place:
If he won't leave, then you and your children must. There are
temporary shelters that can help you move to a different city or
state.
Medical Assistance:
If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor.
Medical records can be vital evidence in court cases. They can
also help you get an order of
protection. Give all the information about your injuries and who
hurt you that you feel safe to give.
-Get A Personal Order Of Protection
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT TO DO WHEN RELATIONSHIPS TURN
VIOLENT
Safety Plan:
Your safety is the most important thing. These tips can help
keep you safe. If you are in
Consider:
-Have important phone numbers nearby for you and your children,
such as the police, friends, local shelters, and various
hotlines.
-Identify friends and neighbors you could inform about your
dangerous situation. Ask them to call the police if they hear
angry/violent noises or they see your
abuser near your home or children.
-If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a
code word that you can use when you need help.
-An evacuation plan in order to escape your home.
-Identify safer places in your home where there are exits and no
weapons.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT TO DO WHEN RELATIONSHIPS TURN
VIOLENT
-Try to remove any weapons from the house.
-Think of how you might leave, doing things such as taking out
the trash, walking the dog, or going to the convenience store
that get you out of the house.
-Put together a bag of things you use everyday, and hide it
where it is easily accessible. In this bag include all important
paperwork such as birth certificates,
social security cards, driver's license, bank books, etc.
-Identify places you could go if you leave your home.
-People who might help you if you left. Think about people who
will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you
money. Make plans or
arrangements for your pets.
-Open a bank account and get a credit card in your name.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT TO DO WHEN RELATIONSHIPS TURN
VIOLENT
-Abuser's attempt to control their victim's lives. When abusers
feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them -
the abuse often gets worse. Take
special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you
have left.
-Know that it is common that abusers will try to kidnap,
threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return, so
take the necessary precautions.
About The Author
Emily Kensington is a couples therapist. For free relationship
advice and romance tips visit http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com
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